How to spot a videographer

Illustration of two videographers in a studio

a non-exhaustive list

  1. Like ninjas, they choose black as their colour of choice in everything they wear so they might stealthily stalk their subjects without them knowing.
  2. Unlike ninjas, they’re not particularly subtle. It’s difficult to be stealthy when one is holding a video camera the general size and weight of a small child.
  3. They own a drone (or they aspire to own a drone) and though using it fills them with exorbitant glee, they will reveal little more than a satisfied smirk. And no, you can’t use it.
  4. They will often break silences with the sound of a straw grating against the bottom of a milkshake container or soft drink cup. Large, of course. All that filming is thirsty work.
  5. They have no-nonsense haircuts. Shaved off, cropped short, pulled back — the videographer means business.
  6. Their homes are filled with weird and wonderful equipment that you want to play with. Don’t touch.
  7. If you watch TV with them, they will spend the commercial breaks explaining how they would have improved the commercials.
  8. They are constantly on the lookout for technological advances. Chances are that they will discover it, purchase it, and be competently using it faster than you can say ‘white balance’.
  9. They hoard batteries like they’re made of gold.
  10. The question of ‘Do you own a camera?’ will be met with derisive laughter and the elaborate reveal of multiple cameras spanning several decades and accompanied by varied lenses.

(Have we established yet that I write in jest? Yes? Good. Then lights, camera, action — CUT!)

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